When I am Lost

… by Madi Cowell

When I am lost and afraid, You are my comforter.

I am not giving up.

Every time oxygen enters my lungs and I exhale,

it is a sign that You are my provider.

Every day I choose to open my eyes once more, You are still there.

I will not forget that You are still here, and that You are still good.

I am learning to love myself each and every day.

Even when I look into the mirror and I despise the person staring back at me.

I will let myself be loved.

I will not shove out the ones who want to love me the most,

no matter how badly I want to.

I will allow myself to feel love.

I will not allow my fickle and fleeting feelings to get the best of me,

and cause me to isolate myself from those who care about me best.

I will not play the victim, and I stand by that.

Jesus, I feel You in the wind.

I feel You in the depths of my soul.

You call out to my head and heart when all hell breaks loose within me,

and all around me.

I can feel Your burdened heart over the pain of mine.

I hear Your almost-silent-whispers in the dead of the night when I am completely and utterly alone.

I hear You cheer for me as You force my eyes open every morning.

With the absolute worst burning sensation of so many tears that had fallen the night before, You restore me.

In all aspects, You save me.

You have saved me from myself.

I will not buy into the lying heart of mine that tells me You have abandoned me.

My mind, it grabs ahold of me, and it tells me that I am toxic.

My brain is unworthy.

It is unable, but You make me able.

My heart reminds me of how I do not know how to receive love.

It reminds me of how I have scared away the ones I have loved the most.

But it is all different with You.

You tell me things that I pray one day I will feel.

You yearn for my spirit, and it is all Your's.

You wait to fascinate me with Your son, with Your earth, with a man, and my brain fights against You, but I am no victim.

I will scream at my fears and depression until they run all the way back to hell.

I will fight the demons that rob me of the joy and satisfaction that others feel.

I will rise when I do not want to,

fight when I do not know how to,

sing when I have no words left to,

walk when I am unable to,

and remain standing until the King comes to tell me my time on earth is done.

Though the earth gives way beneath me, I feel You breathing within me.

The trees root themselves in the cracks of my soul,

and you make Your home within me.

This is simply because You are my home.

You are my eternal joy.