Honesty in romantic relationships, and all relationships, takes work.
Here's some steps for keeping your relationship open and honest:
1. Have enough grace to tell the truth. Promise that you will never punish your spouse for being honest. This doesn't mean that there will be no consequences, but punishment, shame, and condemnation should not be part of those consequences.
2. Give each other free rein to question and check out things with each other. Don't be offended by the other spouse's need to understand some facts that don't add up. Don't retort defensively.
3. Police each other when you see your spouse not being totally honest. This can even be harmless and fun, but hold each other to the truth.
4. Become a partner in your spouse's life to heal the underlying fears of being honest. If your spouse's issue is abandonment, for instance, show him that you are not going to treat him like whoever abandoned him before.
5. Take responsibility for your own dishonesty and its underlying fears, and make a commitment to resolving them. Become a person of the truth, and find someone other than your spouse to hold you accountable. Get a friend to help you tell the truth when you are afraid.
6. Use discernment. While total honesty is the ideal, every relationship is not ready for total knowing and being known. Some truths are not ready to be dealt with yet. Some people are too fragile or are in special circumstances, and they need help to deal with some things or the timing needs to be right. Use wisdom to know what your relationship can handle and what it is not ready for.
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