Gottman tells us that his research has identified five specific
steps that couples in happy, stable marriages use for resolving
disputes.
1. "THEY BEGIN A DISCUSSION WITH WHAT
HE CALLS A SOFTENED START-UP, stating a complaint about a specific
action, not condemnation of the other person. This means complain, but
don't blame; describe what is happening, don't evaluate and judge; talk
calmly about what you need without dredging up past resentments and
failures.
2. "WHEN EMOTIONS GET OUT OF HAND AND
HURTS OCCUR, THEY FIND WAYS TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE, to de-escalate the
emotionalism and get the conversation back on a constructive track.
3.
"THEY ACCEPT INFLUENCE FROM THE OTHER PERSON, making a true effort to
understand their individual roles in the mess and trying their partner's
way of thinking.
4. "THEY COMPROMISE, acknowledging their individual roles in the mess and trying to find a mutual solution.
5.
"ON ISSUES THEY CAN'T RESOLVE, THEY ACCEPT WHAT THEY CAN'T CHANGE, and
they make an effort to be more tolerant of their partner's
personality--and imperfections."
We hope you
find this helpful. We wish we could share more of this article, however,
we did post it in its entirety (which we titled, "Learning to Get even
Closer") on our web site at www.marriagemissions.com in
the "Communication and Conflict" topic. We also have an additional
article posted within this Marriage Message that you could read, to help
you in your marriage.
If it's not possible to
read the rest of the article, or if you don't have a spouse who will
fully cooperate with you in this area of your marriage, we encourage you
to pray about what you CAN do. It's amazing what God is able to do when
we pray and yield to His teachings!
Our love and prayers are with you,
Cindy and Steve Wright
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