Whether you're the one who has strayed from your relationship or
you're the partner who feels betrayed, Dr. Phil can help you move
forward.
Were you cheated on?
It is absolutely vital for you to move forward with life and love.
Being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time.
Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your
cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with him/her is pointless. It
is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within
a relationship. It's not your fault.
Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.
Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.
If your partner wants back in, he/she will have to earn his/her
way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way
that works for both of you.
There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line
and say, "That's it, I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I withdraw my
feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go do whatever you're going
to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore." Don't stay
together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken
home than live in one. They're much better off with one well-adjusted,
happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying,
fighting, and living with stress and pressure.
If there was a child born of the infidelity, understand that
your spouse will forever have a relationship with that child's other
parent. You have to make the decision about whether you can resolve to
be part of that or not.
Did you have an affair?
Own the problems that you created by having an affair. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge.
It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy
relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills
to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous
comparison.
In order to resolve your relationship, contact with "the other
person" must be cut off 100 percent. You can't work on dealing with the
consequences of the affair while you're still having it.
Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do.
Make the hard decisions. Either leave the marriage to free your
partner, or commit to stay. Remember, checking out of one relationship
before you finish it appropriately doesn't work.
Ask yourself: What are you doing to help your partner get past the affair?
Be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about
you and what feels good for you in the moment. If you are married and
have children, you have an obligation and a commitment that far
transcends what feels good.
Help the partner who did not have the affair find emotional
closure. You must do whatever it takes until your partner finds it. If
it requires you to check in with your spouse multiple times a day, then
do it. It'll require you being where you're supposed to be, when you're
supposed to be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so your spouse
can trust you again. And you do it until.
If a child was born of the infidelity, you will have to have
contact with the other person in order to be co-parents. And you do this
the right way by not having any contact without your spouse's
involvement. If you want to talk with the other person, then you do it
with your spouse present.
Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating.
If your marriage is over and you have children, understand that
your relationship with your ex will never end. You will always at least
be co-parents of your children. Build a new relationship as their
allies.
Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to success.
Comments