Marriage Message #250 -
"Why
is it that differences of opinion between a husband and wife so often
lead to arguments and a breakdown in communication? Usually the
differences are not on life and death matters. They aren't even right
and wrong matters. They're just different ways of seeing things or
handling a situation. At such times the couple's communication skills
are tested." (Dr. Ed Wheat)
Do you have
communication "breakdowns" in your marriage? If so, please prayerfully
read the following insights from Dr. Ed What's book, "The First Years of
Forever" and apply the info you can use. Below are some ways
conversations can go badly (and ways to improve them):
1.
A WAR TO BE WON: The disagreement becomes a war to win --a power
struggle. But the fact is that no one wins in an argument. Your goal
should be to win by reaching an agreement or understanding, while
maintaining your good feelings for one another.
2.
A PERSONAL REJECTION: The disagreement is taken as a personal
rejection. Unfortunately, people often confuse rejection of their ideas
with rejection of themselves. You can benefit in marriage from bringing
varying viewpoints together and discussing them, finding a solution, and
gaining a deeper appreciation for one another at the same time.
3.
A CHANGE OF WEAPONS: People change the subject and drag in other issues
to use as weapons against their partners, instead of limiting the
discussion to the original disagreement. As soon as one feels attacked
and reacts with defensiveness, communication goes out the door. To avoid
this, agree ahead of time to discuss only the matter at hand. Speak
with kindness. The Bible says that words can pierce like a sword, but
the wise tongue brings health and well-being.
4.
SWEEPING GENERALIZATIONS: People, frustrated by their inability to make
their point, resort to generalizations characterized by the use of
these expressions: "You always..." and "You never..." These are
"fighting words" and there is almost no adequate response to them. The
temptation is to stoop to the same tactic and argue, "I do not! You
always..." or You never..."
5. SHOUTING OR
SIBERIA: People sometimes respond to disagreements in childish and
inappropriate ways. One wife wrote, "I wish my husband could discuss
matters without shouting. He seems to think talking loud and fast is the
only way to communicate." A husband told us, "My only option is to
agree with my wife. Otherwise she sends me to 'Siberia' weeks at a time.
6.
YES, BUT...: People often pull out this communication stopper: "Yes,
but..." which escalates the argument. Once we recognize how annoying and
disheartening this reaction is we can choose to learn other ways of
responding when we disagree. Here's how: Refuse to use those two words
in combination again. Learn to make your point differently, beginning
with a favorable response, such as, "That's an interesting way of
looking at it. I hadn't thought of it that way." Or, "I see what you
mean." Move to your point, presented as a question like, "Do you think
that...?"
In other words, present your reaction
as a respectful response to the other person's idea by taking it
seriously. Then tactfully offer your question in such a way that it is
not regarded as an attack or put-down. If the discussion begins with
using a "but" your partner will feel more like rethinking the issue
because you've recognized the validity of his or her position.
These
childish attempts to "win" the disagreement can be changed, if there is
genuine desire to learn to communicate. Excitable people can learn to
talk more slowly and calmly, to take deep breaths while their talking,
and stop to listen. People who pout, who use the deep freeze to express
their displeasure, can learn that often, honest discussion has its
rewards. Most importantly, marriage partners can learn to appreciate the
peace, which comes when they respect one another's right to hold
different views and express those views in a calm discussion.
When
a disagreement occurs, it's important to defuse its explosive potential
by reducing what's at stake. When your attitude changes from win/lose,
I'm right/you're wrong position to a "Let's talk this over, but it
doesn't affect our love and respect for one another" perspective, you've
won the real battle. Here are some additional principles to follow:
P.S.
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