Why do you spend money the way you do?” Todd asked Claire, his wife of five years.
“What do you mean?” she said. “I don’t think I spend money in a bad way.”
“How you can say that?” he asked, astonished by her answer. “You were overdrawn last month and this month you had to ask me for more money. Where is it going?”
Todd’s questions seemed reasonable, yet his tone was clearly accusatory. I watched Claire bristle as she tried to explain her actions.
“I feel pressured to defend myself,” Claire said, turning to me. She felt angry at his disciplinary style, and she felt pushed to explain her actions.
“I hate it when he puts me on the spot,” she continued. “And I know getting defensive isn’t helping. I don’t know how to stop doing it.”
“What’s wrong with her explaining her actions?” Todd asked. “Shouldn’t she have to justify her actions to me? I’m willing to explain my actions to her.”
“Why do you think she gets so defensive, Todd?” I asked. “Do you really think it is because of the topic?”
“Absolutely,” he said, sounding more and more like a drill sergeant. “She knows she’s wrong and she’s always had a hard time coming clean with things.”
Claire turned away, withdrawing from Todd. After a moment, she turned back.
“I feel like a child when you talk to me the way you do,” Claire said. “I know I was wrong to overdraw our account. But, you don’t have to make me feel like a bad child.”
“Hey,” he said defensively. “I don’t make you feel any way. You mess up and I’m going to hold you accountable.” “Todd,” I said. “Listen to the way you’re talking to Claire. She’s admitting what she did was wrong. You seem like you want to punish her. She can feel your judgment of her, and that kind of interaction is not going to work.”
Todd stared at me, clearly not understanding my point. It is a point many couples fail to understand, and I was unsure how to help him see this important truth. Judging our mate creates a parent/ child interaction that breeds resentment. Not only would Todd’s “parenting style” with his wife not work, it would create resentment in her. His approach wouldn’t help her feel cared for, but admonished. She would not feel like working for his approval, but would slip into resisting him.
Eliminating judgments from our communication is an arduous task. When disappointed with our mate it is tempting to lead with one of the following parent/ child judgments:
• “I can’t believe you did that.”
• “You should never do that.”
• “Why would you do that?”
• “You should be ashamed of yourself for doing that.”
Each of these judgments will almost always bring out the worst in your mate. Feeling judged and ridiculed, they will resist and resent you. Feeling “parented,” they will rebel against you. What can you do instead? Here are some powerful “adult to adult” techniques:
• “I would prefer it if you would………”
• “When you ____, I felt _____.”
• “I really liked it when you (note the positive behavior.)”
• “In the future, I’d like it if you would _____.”
Can you feel the incredible difference in these approaches? The first are parent/ child interactions that create resentment and rebellion. The second are adult/ adult interactions that lead to cooperation.
We all want to be treated with respect. Try eliminating judgments from your vocabulary and begin using preferences instead. Please let us know how these ideas help you, or other ideas you’ve tried that have had a positive impact. Share your opinion or send a confidential note to me at mailto:TheRelationshipDoctor@Gmail.com and read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on my website, http://www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com and YourRelationshipDoctor.com. You’ll find videos and podcasts on saving a troubled marriage, codependency, rejection by your mate and affair-proofing your marriage.
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